Unseen Facts Behind the Silent Suicide
Life gets so hard sometimes. There are days where I wake up and do not like what I see and feel on the inside. And it’s not cause I think I am fat or ugly it’s more than that. It’s as if I don’t even like being me. I get so frustrated at myself that I take it out on others. And then when I think about what I have done, I feel guilty because I know deep down that person isn’t me. I look at how I have been living life lately and I haven’t accomplished any of the things that I have wanted. All I seem to do these days is work and sleep, the exact same thing every single week. I try to be positive and keep it together, but I am struggling. It just feels so hard to be happy lately.
I mean I have not uploaded as many videos because I just don’t have the time. And when I do I feel so tired and exhausted because I have been working shifts every night. I worry that soon enough I will lose all the confidence and give up completely. I settle for something average and become the person I never wanted to be. Even as I’m saying this all I keep thinking that I sound so depressing. Soon enough, people will get bored and eventually they will leave. So I have to force every bit of my energy in to be super enthusiastic and happy when that is so far from the reality.
The other night I came home from work and me just completely broke down. Just crying by myself alone in my room at 6 in the morning. But I woke up the next day and carried on living life as if everything was fine. I was in denial that if I keep repressing these thoughts , somehow it will get easier in time but it won’t. It is sad cause all people to see is what I show them on the outside, they have no idea about all the hurt and the pain I hide , how I cried myself to sleep last night or the fact that I have been avoiding my best friend because I do not want to show her this side. The side – where I just can not keep it together and I mess things up. I feel both overwhelmed and empty all at the same time. To be honest, I live in a place where people don’t go on to do great things. They stay in the same place they grew up and have kids and the kids grow up and do the same exact thing.
It is an endless cycle and before you know it you are tied with commitments and responsibilities. No one around here makes their dreams a reality, they just sit on it and come up with a million excuses about how life is not fair or how they never gave the opportunity. When I see these things and when I see and hear every single day that dreams are just dreams , I feel disheartened. But it is in that moment when you are most down that you need to keep on going. It might sound a little cliché but I think sometimes we need to be reminded that it’s okay not to be okay. Our biggest problem as a society is that we just don’t communicate. We would rather pretend everything is fine and suffer silently. Come home after a tough day and break down when no one else is looking. We don’t even think about it anymore, its just become part of our daily routine.
And then the silent suicide will become a loud roar. People will stand there and think that they should have done something, at least anything to stop whatever had happened . Many questions will run through their minds and they would wonder what the kid has done.But that will be for a period of time and the story will again continue. A kid will be emotionally drained and no longer can handle the pain, another suicide story will come up in a newspaper but it will be ignored.
How many suicide cases do you remember? When was the last time you even bother about it? In every second that’s passing by a kid will give up on his life and the later second’s people will keep questioning and be curious about the death not because they care about it but because it will be a subject to talk about. I remember my neighborhood getting crowded, people gathering to one place one by one until it was so much that a bike could not pass. And it was not because there was any circus going on , well for some it could not get more entertaining than that. It was a suicide case and people did not gather around to show their concern, they were there because they wanted to see , stare and look at each other with the feeling of “ what just happened here?” Questions were spreading more than the speed of light – questions like why did the girl hang herself? Did her father rape her? Did she fail an exam? Probably boyfriend issues? Maybe she was pregnant? Can this be a murder?
I remember people talking about her about how nice she was and how a man had seen her in the morning buying vegetables. See people do not tell others how kind and nice they were until they are dead. What is the meaning of praising the dead ones when you do not bother to smile at then when they were alive? I found that to be known as a kind and loving person you have to be dead forever.
You matter to yourself, it’s okay not to be okay and that how white and black of life works. If you are going through a tough time right now and even if you’re putting all your energy into a work that did not turn out to be the way it was meant to be , don’t give up. Just know that you are brave cause I know how hard life can be but that is what will make us stronger. We will be fine one day and when we will look back at the time we might just give it a laugh. We shall be glad about what we went through because that will make us a better person tomorrow. So keep going and keep challenging life , it won’t is bad at all. You will find someone who will love you and you will be supported. You will lead a better life!!!
This article is emailed by Writer: Susaan Basel