The secret of happiness is optimal health and a bad memory. Facebook is like a refrigerator. You open it every 15 minutes, and it’s always the same.
A calorie is what moves into your closet at night and replaces all your clothes for smaller ones.
A politician needs to be able to say what will happen tomorrow, next week, month or year. And later he must be able to explain why they didn’t happen.
Have you noticed that people who talk about birth control are all born? I don’t need life insurance. I want everyone really to be sad when I die.
Drink until you look nice, but you don’t want to marry me yet! They say I’m suffering from dementia … But I don’t suffer, I enjoy every minute! The boss always carries the lion’s share of the task: roar. Life is beautiful that anything can happen. And it sucks that it happens.
You can’t find all the money, but you can get it. Poverty is not a shame, but I already have enough of it! I learn because energy invested in learning brings fruit and, as we know, we can cook brandy from fruit! Don’t worry about your health, it goes away.
The dog is man’s best friend. He doesn’t give advice, doesn’t ask for a loan and has no affinity. The keychain is a useful little structure that helps you lose your keys at the same time.
There are two ways, to tell the truth: anonymously or in the will.
The little kid asks his father: Dad, how did I come to the world? The father starts: “It was like your mother and I were in a chat room.” Then we met in the bathroom of an internet cafe where I started uploading to your mother’s server. Then we noticed that your mother did not use a firewall, so the trouble happened: nine months later the virus was downloaded. Well, this is you.
It is good to live on the beach because then there are only three sides surrounded by stupid people.
Adam ate the fruit of the forbidden tree, so he had to marry Eve as punishment. The Egyptian natives are mummies.
If you do it and you don’t enjoy it, it already works. I’m not stupid, I sometimes save my mind. Being alone is the most enjoyable one.
There was a time when girls looked like their mother and now they drink like their father! It is better for a woman that she is smart because it is still easier for a man to look than to think.
There is no better shrink in this world than a cute puppy licking your face. If women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. If men are depressed, they attack another country.
I haven’t told my wife for years. I didn’t want to interrupt. When I was a kid, my parents moved many times. But I always found them. I still remember when I was kidnapped once in my childhood and my prisoners sent one of my fingers to my father. He said he needed more evidence.
I don’t eat fatty foods anymore unless they are offered or if they are free and cheaper than usual.
Einstein to Chaplin: What I value very much in you is the universality of your art. You don’t say a word, and the whole world understands you. Chaplin to Einstein: This is true, but your glory is much greater than mine because all mankind will glorify you without a word of what you say.
It is true that many people die of alcohol in the world, but many more are born of it!
You were arrogant and stupid, but it turned to the opposite. You’re stupid and arrogant now. I don’t think you are dumb, but in this opinion, I stand alone.
What does the Libra say when you weigh yourself? – Please, only one person at a time! You’re so fat, if you stand on a scale, it says: Continued. There is me because God has a look for beauty and you are there because he has a sense of humor!
Think again about the profound meaning of the meaningless sentence. How much money do you get for baseball bats to be tested on your face ?! Whenever you need a friend: Buy a dog.
Why do not we both go somewhere where each one of us can be alone? There are so many ways to make a good impression. Why are you leaving them all unused?
If stupidity would rain, you would flow out of the gutter! There is no machine in the world that can measure how stupid you are! You have helium in your head, so you can walk upright, eh?
Your breath stinks so bad that people are looking forward to your farts! You have three problems: you were born, you live and you do not mind. If you lie down on the beach, then the people of Greenpeace try to roll you back into the water!
Why do not you go to heaven? Because you do not fit through the ozone hole. What is the distinction between you and a bucket of shit? – The bucket! You are graceful like an elf – or what is the name of the gray animal with the trunk?
If I had your face, I would laugh and run into a circular saw. You get the group discount on the train ride alone, right?
You are so thin if you drink raspberry juice you look like a medical thermometer. I saw your parents yesterday! Two nice older gentlemen!
At least did you notice the license plate of the car that crossed your face? With your tie, I would not even tie my leg after an accident.
Yesterday, I wanted to kill the prettiest girl in the world, but then I thought to myself, suicide is not a solution either.
I explain to you another time how you make yourself really ridiculous! If stupidity would be humorous, you would have an air raid alert all day.
You have teeth, like the stars in the sky: so yellow and so far apart. You are my friend, even if you have to sleep behind the barbed wire at night!
Everyone has the right and claim to be ugly, but you really overdo it! If you swallowed a fly, you would have more brain in the stomach than in the head!
With you, the navigation device must calculate an alternative route when you are on the road. If you can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then you can do something from yourself.
Your birthday is in the history book right after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Do not hate me because I’m pretty, but hate me, because your friend sees it that way.
Your mother is so fat that she needs her own zip code! Did anybody ever tell you that you look superior? Then they lied to you but clean!
Every time I look at you, I ask myself: what did nature want us to say? It’s not like I hate you. But supposedly you burn and I have water… I would drink it!
When God spread the stupidity with the spoon you went straight away with the wheelbarrow. If your mom puts on a yellow raincoat, the school kids think the bus is coming.
Your girlfriend is so fat – if you want to get a complete picture of her, you have to take an aerial photo.
God asks George Bush: – What do you think? – I have confidence in a free economy, an America most importantly, a solid country, and so forth., and so forth. Awed, God stated, “Come sit to my right side.” Then he goes to Obama and asks him: – What do you think? – I have confidence in world harmony, vote based system, and love for poor people! – great. Come sit to my left side. God goes to Donald Trump and asks him: – What do you think? – I believe you’re sitting in my seat!
Two companions talk about: Do you have Facebook? –
Do you have Snapchat?- No?
Do you have Twitter? – No
yet I have a real existence myself! – You offer it to me for “Sweet Crush”?
Father: Son, I made a Facebook account!
Father: What does “WTF” mean?
Child: Welcome To FaceBook!
It’s on Friday! – My heart says, Forward. – My stomach says: I’m prepared. – My wallet says: Today you remain at home.
In the event that you have issues to leave liquor, or do you think about somebody who needs to abandon it, they realize that they can go out. Who drinks brew lives less … less focused, less stressed, less pitiful and less unpleasant.
Author: Vijaya Chalise